3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Let's get the cat blown out
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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