The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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