Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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