My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
