the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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