How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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