I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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