The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
