i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
