I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
