she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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