i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We're using joints as your birthday candles
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
