My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
