got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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