when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ugly people sure do ruin things
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
