Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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