oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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