my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
