Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
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Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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