brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
