As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize