Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
