well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
