The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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