I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
