i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
