I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
