I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
