Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
