how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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