I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
