Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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