Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
