we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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