yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
