he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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