how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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