My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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