So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
