we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
try to milk me bitch
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
