i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
