she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
