you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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