Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
