please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
