Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
