Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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