WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
