you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
