my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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