Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
