listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
