Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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