Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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