Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think my fart just growled at me.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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