I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
